Influencing Others

One of my neighbors reminded me recently of why I try to stay friendly with him, while maintaining my distance—or shall I say, a “safe distance.” He’s the macho half of a couple who seem constantly to be in conflict with people around them; they have the reputation of folks you don’t want to cross, as the consequences can quickly escalate into unpleasantness. When I met them many years ago, it was luckily a friendly introduction, but something about their mannerisms that day told me to be cautious. Ever since, we’ve maintained a circumspect attitude towards them and we have remained quite cordial.

The recent incident that came close to causing a fracas with them was initiated when our dog wandered over on their land. The pup was not recognized by them, and they called the local dog warden. Luckily our dog quickly returned (avoiding the unpleasant task of my needing to ransom him from the local authorities) and the incident did not mushroom.

Pondering what had happened, how it came about, and how close it was to an escalation, it occurred to me that my neighbor’s way of dealing with others is to try to influence people by intimidation. In order to get what they want from others they try to foster awe in them, to put a little fear in them, to suggest that they have a power that you’d better think twice about challenging.

This is a common way for people to relate to others in our society—a way that is constantly taught us by our culture. It’s hard to watch a TV or cinematic drama and not see someone using intimidation to manipulate others. The word “respect” once upon a time meant admiration for the qualities of someone, or regard for their rights and wishes. It meant that one was polite to others. Nowadays when you hear a macho dude use the word “respect,” he means he’s intimidated someone, so they now act browbeaten and compliant in his presence. He gets what he wants through fear.

There’s a similar but contrasting way that some people deal with others: via manipulation. I have another neighbor who uses this method in his dealings with people. He’s a master at cleverly—and often unfairly—controlling people. He comes on as very friendly when you first meet him, but you quickly get the sense that he’s pulling one over on you. The local community has several tales about how this fellow wangled his way in a situation, leaving the wangled one feeling cheated.

As you might guess, these two neighbors—who, unfortunately in their eyes, live next to each other—hate each other. Sparks have repeatedly flown when they interact. Lawsuits and threats have been tossed down like iron gauntlets. It has demanded our best balancing skills to stay on friendly terms with each of these intimidating or manipulative neighbors. So far, we’ve pulled it off. I intend never to be caught on the battlefield when they clash.