Byron Katie (an author and teacher) had
a revelation years ago, that led her to an understanding of how we
have the propensity to increase our suffering by the manner in which
we react to events in our world. She makes the point that it is folly
to get as upset about things that happen to us as we do, since we
invest so much energy in fighting what is.
Here's a typical scenario that she
describes: Something happens to me. I become disturbed by it. I wish
it hadn't happened. In fact, I feel that it's not right that it
happened; it's even wrong. I begin to fret and fuss about it. I may
even get angry and very judgmental about it. As a result, I end up
getting stuck on it and stewing about the event and the person who
committed the perceived offense.
The incident may have been, for
example, something said by a family member, or a co-worker, or a
neighbor. It may have been some action on the part of the president,
or Exxon-Mobil, or Wall Street bankers. They did something and I
self-righteously judged it to be wrong, and then put energy into
getting angry over it. When I do this I have stiffened up and am
fighting what they did; mostly fighting the past. But if I respond in
this way, I find myself getting stuck on wanting to change history.
The event/action has happened, however. It simply is, and now I'm
foolishly engaged in a battle with the past—as though I believe I
could change it.
In Katie's understanding, I have fallen
victim to a chain reaction that can be repeated, again and again.
When I fall into this trap, I allow my life to be diminished and
manipulated by the disagreeable actions of others. The greater
problem for me in the long run is not what they've done, but how I
have allowed it to disturb my life. It’s not what they did that is
the greater problem, it’s my response that has caused me ongoing
grief. I have generated a story about it—why it shouldn't have
happened, why I don't like it, why it disappointed me, why the other
person shouldn’t be that way, what I want them to do to make me
happy, what I think of them, what I would like to do to them, or what
they deserve for their bad action. I get all churned up inside and
obsess over the incident.
I show my foolishness in this kind of
response in several ways: (1) I continue to be upset about the past,
about something that has already happened; (2) I'm wallowing in
anger, as I waste my energy on something that is impossible to
change; (3) I'm allowing myself to become unhappy, as I project the
cause of all my suffering onto the other person; and (4) I'm stuck in
a story that blocks me from seeing the truth and prevents me from
taking any positive and meaningful action to improve things. These
are all of the kinds of suffering I cause myself when I don't like
reality and find myself at war with it.
Is there a wiser way to respond? Is
there a way to begin opening to the reality of what is, to accept
it—even (heaven forbid!) come to come to love it? Yes, and that's
what Katie calls "The Work". I won't go into the process
here—she does it best, and she can be quickly checked out by an
Internet search. I want to describe here some of the feelings and
possibilities that I have experienced by trying the process.
Katie proposes four direct and simple
questions that we may ask ourselves, when we are feeling angry and
judgmental over what someone has done: (1) Is it true?, (2) Can you
absolutely know that it's true?, (3) How do you react? What happens
when you believe that thought?, and (4) Who would you be without the
thought? These questions jerk us out of our usual oppositional
response. They make us pause for a few moments, which gives us the
space to inquire about what really may have happened, rather than the
story that we've created. We are asked to put our energy into inquiry
in her plan, rather than resistance to what happened.
More on The Work next time...
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