Fart Fixes

Who woulda thought that farts would ever be useful for anything other than gastrointestinal relief or crude comedy? Some recent scientific findings about gaseous human emissions particularly caught my interest, since a few folks have dubbed me Old Fart—and not for nothing. My lower intestinal tract seems to be a prolific producer of hydrogen sulfide and methane—both smelly greenhouse gases. Each, when released by me (always inadvertently), seems bent on creating loud raspberry sounds, as they exit my nether region.

When I was younger and involved in societal activities, I frequently had to exercise restraint of my sphincter, lest I become a pariah. Now that I'm old and living the life of a rural hermit, I couldn't care less about my odoriferous emanations. Thankfully, I have a tolerant spouse (who is not untalented in the same arena).

Depending on one's culture, farts are regarded as normal as a hiccup, viewed as a complementary comment on the culinary skills of the host, a hilarious joke, or the offensive equivalent of a punch to the nose. One man's fart can either be another man's complement or insult.

But now from the UK comes results of a research program that demonstrated that smelling farts can cure diseases! What? I'm not kidding. Well, maybe it could be put more accurately that the droll Brits at the University of Exeter conducted experiments that demonstrated inhaling a dose of hydrogen sulfide is able to protect a cell's mitochondria. These mitochondria not only supply the cell's energy, but are also vulnerable to damage by diseases. The potential implication of their study: smelling a fart can inhibit mitochondrial damage, boosting the body's ability to resist disease. The deeper message: eat more beans and cure cancer!

But wait; let's be cautious about this so-called “wind”fall. Before we get carried away, it should be noted that the Exeter U findings did not mention disease cures, or even farts. The demure scientists only reported that inhaling hydrogen sulfide was found to be a protector of a cell's mitochondria. Once again, the popular press seized upon the results to jump to wild conclusions about the healing power of farts. But reality tells us that, as with the advent of any major scientific discovery which seems to contradict the accepted paradigm, further research is needed, in order to solidify this surprising finding as a new law or proven theory.

Hmm, further research. Maybe I can help. I think I'll contact the British fart researchers, to volunteer my deft skill at generating copious quantities of hydrogen sulfide. All they would have to pay me is my flight costs over there, a modest hotel bill, and pick up my tab at the local pub. I would love to visit Kew Gardens while there. Who knows, I may even get my 15 minutes of fetid fame and become known as the Fart Physician... though I really have gotten used to Old Fart.