Past Mistakes

Every one of us can look back and recall times when we made choices that were not all that good—times when a choice led to subsequent problems and pain, or just wasted valuable time. (We each enjoy a preciously small amount of time in this existence, so why waste any of it?) The wisdom of hindsight tells us that we could have done better. So how do we deal progressively with these regrettable actions that we once took? It doesn’t help to dwell upon them because they caused us pain, or wasted our precious time, or led us down dead ends that got in the way of happiness.

It also doesn’t help if I bemoan my past poor choices or wallow in self-pity. It’s easy to become consumed with feeling sorry for myself or blaming others for what happened, or even disapprove of myself.

There is another reaction that I’ve sometimes had people suggest—a way that can help one to get past self-pity or blame. That is, to say, “Well, I didn’t do all that well, but I did the best I could at the time.” There may be truth in that sentiment, but it can also become a justification for what was simply a bad choice or a lackadaisical performance. Such a response can just help us fall into the same bad choice again, because it justifies coming up short. If I take this route, maybe I’m not wallowing in self-pity or blaming others, but I also haven’t learned much from the mistake; in fact, I may rationalize the situation so much that I don’t even see it as a mistake.

If I’m candid about my previous poor choices, however, I can admit to times when I simply didn’t do my best, or when I just made a dumb choice. If I go into it a little deeper, I can recall times, for example, when I made bad choices because my priorities at the time were poorly arranged. Can I be honest with myself and admit to those screw-ups, without either dwelling on them or dismissing them?

I got a nice suggestion recently from a passage in a book by Joyce Sequichie Hifler, A Cherokee Feast of Days. She writes about how we may look back and regret the time we wasted, “…wishing we knew then what we know now. But we did not know and life is not lived by hindsight. We did what we knew to do—sometimes with great ignorance.” And it’s not too late at all, she adds: “Many have started over and have had more happiness and contentment in a short time than is in all of what is known as the wasted years.”

I like the idea of simply accepting the mistakes and letting them go, rather than hanging onto them and thus continuing to waste time and continuing to stave off happiness. As Hifler says, we can begin again, despite our past mistakes. Each day is fresh. The challenge is to get past excuses and regrets, admit to messing up, and find self-forgiveness and self-acceptance. Tomorrow’s true happiness begins with today’s wiser choices; and they are best made when we’re unencumbered by dwelling on the past. It’s a key way that we learn and grow.